::RAWR!::

<sub>I have decided to use this account for photography and hand drawn art of mine.
Also, I will be using my other account, [link], for all of my writing, which will probably consist of songs and poems (mostly).
=]

<3





~Mish Cait</sub>

The title explains everything.
You know what?
I dont complain alot.
I really dont.
In fact, I take most of everyones crap when it comes to my friends & guys i really really like. yup, I take it all with a laugh & a smile. As if, they didnt just break my heart, cuss me out, make a snide comment about me, give me a dirty look, get caddy with me, or act like I'm a ghost when i call them on the phone..or not even bother to answer at all.

Yup you guessed it. I'm going to rant now, so either STOP READING, or... fasten your seatbelts it's gonna be a long & bumpy ride.

Subject: Guys.
Can't really describe 'em can ya?
No, ya can't. But, i will elaborate on my current emotions about/involving guys.

Alright, so while i was in DC last week, I was stupid & felt lonely..
my 'bff" knows there's only a few things in this world that can stop me from being all depressed like this...and some things she doesnt even know about..
anyways..so what do i do? confused, lost needing comfort..i call him.
as soon as he answers i freak...but his voice can make me happy when i dont even want to be...his laugh can stop my crying..my tears in mid-fall...he defies my gravity.
So i throw the phone at my "bff"...yup she talks to him..and what does she do..she HANGS UP!
I mean..wth?!
..so i stay up all night staring at the cieling playing out all the possible scenarios in my head..he secretly loves me? he likes me? he doesnt liek me? he hates me? doesnt care? doesnt remember me?... I eventually fall asleep...crying to "our"song. [we never dated but the last time we touched was a the last slow dance at the last dance of the yr. cheesiest song ever; Your Beautiful Soul by Jesse Mcartney..wtf? i know...]
All that week i couldnt help but think about him again...all the memories..all the pain..
four yrs...well..really four and a half..
but.. i mean..could you move on?
if you fell in love..
with your best guy friend..who acted like he cared..
acted like he felt the same way
called you late at night
crying about his break ups..or angry about his exes spreading rumors..
or just because he was lonely and needed someone to serenade..needed someone to swoon,
would you be over it so quickly?
could you forget?
could you...be happy again..?

Yes, 4 yrs of crying myself to sleep almost every night, waking up..and forcing myself to go to school..seeing him in the hallways..
a smile & a wink maybe...that's it..maybe a good morning if we shared secrets the night before..

so i seemed like a crazy obsessive girl to his friends..and mine
because i never tried to tell them..because..who would they believe?

Nick Joseph Rizzo?
or me..Caitlin Nancy Faircloth..outcast..loser...fatty..ugliest girl in schoool?
idk. but i'm pretty sure they wouldnt believe me

pure dedication, causes you to become selfless & that's true sacrifice..because in the process..you lose yourself..completely.

dont tell me i wasnt in love..because honestly i dont care what you think..i dont care what anyone thinks anymore..because last time i did..i let it get to me..i convinced myself that the real me wasnt good enough..and so i erased her..im slowly starting to get her back..but ...she'll never completly be there..because i cant really remember her..too many thorns covered in poison surrounding such a beautiful rose.. is it really worth it?

I just dont know anymore..
These were my dark times..i dont talk about them alot because..well...they upset me..alot.
It wasnt all just about a guy...he just added to my sorrows.
Alot of things happened within that time period that made life hard.
but yah know what?
my life isnt over yet.
So trust me when i say, I'm not ranting for some kind of sympathy, empathy, or whatever.

i just want the people who constantly judge me as this stereotypical shallow preppy "rich" girl to go on KNOWING who i really am. & i want them to remember, that this is only a snippet of my past..only a memory.

So...with that said... hate me ...love me..i dont care
just dont stop & stare
or waste a prayer
on something that's not there
because I'm just a ghost fading into a nightmare
sweet terrors of the night.
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